


Because They All Deserved A Happy Ending

by myorangemilkboys



Category: Formula E RPF
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mentions of Jules' death, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28139118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myorangemilkboys/pseuds/myorangemilkboys
Summary: All they were supposed to do was shooting one video for the official Formula E YouTube channel.Just when Jean-Eric thought that he was well prepared for that, there was a single question that had caught him off guard, which meant that maybe he should tell his teammate about his past.
Relationships: Sam Bird & Jean-Eric Vergne
Kudos: 6





	Because They All Deserved A Happy Ending

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to mention once again, that in this fic I will talk about Eating Disorders and the behaviors they cause, including forcing yourself to vomit, and starving.  
> Also the death of Jules Bianchi will be mentioned. If you are not comfortable with this, please do not read this story.
> 
> This is loosely based on the "Knowing Me, Knowing You" video Jean-Eric and Sam did together back in 2016. This idea has just been in my head for a bit and I think this video gave me a good set up to make it work.

After the director has yelled cut and the camera was switched off Jean-Eric kept sitting in his chair, looking at the two cards in his hands. Deep down he just felt a little numb, not sure what he was supposed to do in this situation.

  
  


Sam was laughing at something and gave the director his two cards back. Meanwhile Jean-Eric still felt as if he was under water. The sounds of his surroundings seemingly being so far away.

  
  


He just needed to do something to get these thoughts out of his head that were running wild again for the past few minutes. He needed to find something else to focus on, than all these memories that came flooding back and had him on the edge of tears already.

  
  


For so long he has tried to hide this part of his story from everyone who has not been directly involved, who has not been with him when it happened. For so long this has worked, and he actually had succeeded to suppress these memories so well that he almost forgot himself.

  
  


Almost.

  
  


But he did not forget, with his memories still fresh, and the pictures burned into his mind once again. He has almost forgotten. A small word with a deep meaning. Reminding him of what could have been, in all possible ways.

  
  


The small scars on his knuckles were not quite faded yet and were still visible now if you knew what to look for. They were there, part of him and part of his story.

  
  


For a moment all Jean-Eric wanted to do was cry. He has done so well again in the past months, and yet he was still not fully over it, and this had to be the thing that made him realize? A fun video for the Formula E YouTube channel?

  
  


He bit down on his bottom lip. Hard. Trying to keep the tears in. And he succeeded. No matter what, he would not cry in front of other people. No. Never. Never ever he would make himself vulnerable like that.

  
  


Maybe in front of Sam. Maybe he could trust Sam and open up to him? If they were not with other people right now he might say something. Maybe Sam would understand.

  
  


Maybe.

  
  


Another one of those words that could have been so much but were so meaningless now.

  
  


"Hey, are you okay?"

  
  


Jean-Eric almost jumped from his chair when he felt Sam's hand on his upper arm. When he looked up he has realized that everyone else from the film crew was gone by now, just Sam was still sitting in the chair next to him, giving him a worried look.

  
  


"Yeah. I'm good," he said.

  
  


He was not good.

  
  


"I'm not blind. I just want you to know that I am there if you want someone to talk to," Sam tried his luck once again.

  
  


Jean-Eric pressed his lips together. He did not want to talk to Sam about it. He did not want to talk about it. He did not want to cry. He did not want to remember the nights that came back into his memory right now. He did not want to be so vulnerable around anyone ever again.

  
  


But deep down he knew that Sam would not leave him alone until he explained himself to the Brit. So Jean-Eric shrugged, and yet hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth again. He needed to think about this, to try and keep himself together.

  
  


"I don't know if you would even understand...," he started and stared down at his hands again.

  
  


The scars have faded a little in the past months, and yet he felt like they were glowing in bright red right now, with no chance of actually hiding them from anyone forever. People would be able to connect the dots sooner or later anyway.

  
  


"I will try my best to understand, trust me," said Sam and laid his hand on Jean-Eric's arm again.

  
  


Maybe he really could trust Sam. Maybe it really was better to open up about it all to someone else than his physiotherapist. If those questions hadn't almost made him cry, he would not be stuck in this situation by now.

  
  


"Can we walk a bit?" Jean-Eric made a vague gesture towards the sea, and the waves hitting the beach in a regular pattern. Almost like a heart beat.

  
  


The images were still burned fresh into his mind.

  
  


_Again and again his fingers hit the back of his throat. But he has been used to it by now, and it did nothing to him anymore. He coughed just one, two, times, and then spit into the toilet bowl in front of him. By far not what he had expected of himself._

  
  


_He could not focus on his own eating properly, and fucked up each meal plan he has set up for himself in the past few weeks, but now he was not even able to punish himself for it anymore._

  
  


_It all took so much more work compared to so little time ago, and that made it even harder to hide in this toilet stall now. It took too long, the fear of someone walking in on him back on his mind, making his heart race even faster._

  
  


Jean-Eric shook his head and tried to focus on Sam walking down the beach next to him. Sam was here in the present, something he could focus on. Someone he could talk to, no matter what. Or at least that's what he has been saying ever since they became teammates.

  
  


"What was it, that made you react...," Sam was looking for the right word, pausing mid sentence, "you know, like that..."

  
  


Jean-Eric pressed his lips together once again. He did not want to say it out loud, since it sounded way too ridiculous for his liking. Whom of them was a fuzzier eater. They both said that it was him, but for way different reasons.

  
  


The steak he had sent back to the kitchen just a few days earlier were what made Sam think of him as a fuzzy eater. Yet there was so much more that he has not seen. So much he did not know about, and all the pain he never saw Jean-Eric being in.

  
  


_He froze as soon as someone set down the plate in front of him. All of this was looking way bigger than it probably was, and yet fear was still running through Jean-Eric's veins. He should have just ordered a soup._

  
  


_Before they got their deserts he excused himself to go to the toilet. He did not eat everything on his plate, feeling lucky that he could give a few bites to other team members to let them have a taste._

  
  


_Going down on his knees in front of the toilet almost seemed to be a second nature to him right now, and just a few moments after he has shoved his fingers over the back of his tongue a splash of vomit made it into the bowl, bits of his dinner still being distinguishable. Something that impressed and disgusted him at the same time._

  
  


_He would allow himself the dessert though, just to have something sweet helping him to get the bitter taste out of his mouth again._

  
  


"I am not a fuzzy eater. Not at all. I mean yeah I am kind of weird about food sometimes, but trust me, it is not because I am fuzzy. I just... It's a long story..." Jean-Eric stopped his rambling for a moment, to think about where he even planned to go with this.

  
  


He closed his eyes and took three deep breaths, trying to calm himself down again. Still there were way too may thoughts running though his mind to really have them make sense and put them in order.

Once again he felt the tears coming closer and closer, but he managed to hold them back another time. He knew how worried Sam must be looking right now, and Jean-Eric could at least kind of understand. He would be worried about Sam too if he was behaving like this. And yet he still did not fully understand how Sam could care so much about him.

  
  


Maybe he was just not worth it. Maybe all the  voices inside his mind really were right all along and he deserved this, deserved what he did to himself. It was not too hard to see how that made him turn out. Crying just because someone called him a fuzzy eater.

  
  


Even though that was just part of the reason why he was almost crying right now, but he did not want to admit that. All the way too painful memories were something he was able to put into the most closed off corner of his memories, making sure to forget about them as well as he could.

All the pain, all the emotions he has been hiding were now crashing down on him once again, burying under a wave of self doubt and pain. Even all the familiar feelings were back. The way he felt dizzy with the world spinning under his feet, and the way his stomach hurt right now. Just like before. Just that this time he knew that it was all in his head.

  
  


Jean-Eric ran his hand through his hair, kind of expecting to pull out  a few strands, based on what his mind made him feel again. Just like back then . But he did not. He was okay. His body was going good, and all of the feelings were just in his head right now. Just in his head. There was no way for this to be real.

  
  


As soon as he sat down on the sand, with the waves hitting land just a few inches away from his feet, he could feel Sam wrapping his arms around Jean-Eric's torso. The Brit did not say a word, but just sat there and held him closely wrapped up in a hug he did not know he needed.

  
  


All the feelings from back then were a blurry mess in his brain, and he wanted to switch them off. He thought he was long over them, he thought he had faced his demons, and scared them away again. But why should he? For almost two years he has been stuck in this mess now, and he never got really really well again ever since it slipped out of his control right at the start of it.

  
  


_There was just one thing that was stronger than the pain he felt in his chest whenever he thought of his fellow Frenchman. His smile, his laugh, his voice that still was clearly present in his memories, despite it being almost a year since he has heard them for the last time. But he had gotten the confirmation that he would never hear them again, that Jules would not come back._

  
  


_Just the pain in his stomach was able to be louder than the pain in his chest, it helped to slow down all the painful thoughts racing through his mind right now, with no proper way to get rid of them, no matter what he had tried so far._

  
  


_He has promised Jules to get better, to finally get the control back. But the hunger was the only thing he knew would numb the pain. Maybe he could allow himself a piece of fruit_ _later_ _, or just a small snack, but the few moments_ _they would stop_ _his stomach_ _from_ _rumbling would be enough to get the thoughts of Jules back into his minds. The one thing he did not want to think about._

  
  


_In the past few months he has gotten better, especially in the past few weeks, but then there came the news about Jules passing and his whole world was broken into pieces once again, with no real chance to escape the pain another time._

_For now it was just refusing to eat, but he knew that his fingers would end up back in his throat once he could not ignore the hunger anymore, and it all would start again. And again, and again, and again. Two times he has thought he could get out of this disorder's claws, and now it has caught him a third time._

  
  


_No matter where he was looking, everything reminded him of the friend that he has lost, and it just made the pain in his chest greater and greater. No way to escape it, and no way to get out of this situation without facing his inner demons. Again._

  
  


_The first time he has tried to at least have a chance to keep his job, the second time he did it because Romain was too worried about_ _Jules_ _already anyway, and he did not want_ _to be another thing he should have to worry about_ _. But now, what reason was there to try and get better another time?_

  
  


Jean-Eric had not realized that he started crying. His tears were hot against his skin, and then it suddenly felt ice cold once the fresh breeze blew into his face.

He mumbled an apology to Sam, before he wiped the tears out of his face, and looked at his teammate again.

  
  


He did not know what he expected, but it definitely was not this. Sam was still giving him a worried look, wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye himself. Just seeing how much his teammate seemed to care about him gave Jean-Eric a little more strength, to maybe form something more coherent than his earlier ramblings.

  
  


The two of them would have to work together for a little longer, so Sam deserved to know the truth, right? He would be able to connect the dots sooner or later anyway, just like everyone else who got to know him a little better. So Jean-Eric decided that it would be better to let Sam know himself, instead of having him overhear some rumors in the paddock.

  
  


And yet, Jean-Eric did not know where to start, not at all. Maybe he should just start with the question that caught him off guard, or maybe he should start with the beginning of the end of his Formula 1 career, or all the little things that were part of all of this. There was so much to talk about that the feelings were almost choking him, and he did not know what he was supposed to do about any of it.

  
  


There was no way that Sam would look at him the same once he knew the full truth, and yet he deserved nothing but the truth. Jean-Eric knew that this story would be safe with Sam, no matter what.

In the end he has been friends with Jules too, and if Jules was able to trust him, then Sam was one of the few good souls in their sport.

  
  


"I am not a fuzzy eater," said Jean-Eric, playing with the seam of his shirt to avoid looking Sam in the eyes, "It is just that I still have some issues with food in general. I don't know exactly when I lost control the first time, but it must be almost two years now. Got better in summer 2014. Jules had the crash and it all broke apart once again. And then last summer when we got the news... Rough time since then, with everything that has been happening, and I just was not prepared for this question..."

  
  


Jean-Eric stared out on the sea when he felt Sam wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "But you are doing better again?" The Brit's accent was thick when he spoke, probably unsure of what exactly he was doing now himself.

  
  


"Getting there. But well, some days are just harder than others. Honestly I don't know if I can keep it up this time, or slip back again. But I think every day without starving, vomiting, and feeling like shit is a good day, so yup. Don't know what the future brings, but we are getting there little by little."

  
  


In the end Jean-Eric was not sure if this was what he was supposed to say, or what the official protocol for these kinds of situations was. It was the first time he told someone who was not directly involved in his worst times, or someone who needed to know for medical reasons.

Sam was the first who knew simply because Jean-Eric needed to tell someone, and Sam was someone he trusted. Apart from this little thing he already was like an open book for Sam already anyway, just like the Brit was for Jean-Eric himself.

  
  


Now that he still felt Sam's arm around his shoulder it felt like a lot of weight was falling off of them, and he could finally breathe again. It was good to tell someone, he decided. And telling Sam was probably the best choice he could have made for this first time.

  
  


He did not know what would be going on on track between them in just two days time, but now that he started to face the shadows of his past once again meant that he really was on his way back up again. Again, it would be a hard time to get out of this deep hole this disorder has left him in, and he was reminded of it every day, but again he would try to do it.

  
  


Not for anyone else, but rather because he himself deserved this kind of happy ending, and he had to start this way back up somewhere.

  
  


Maybe this all was not what he has imagined when he was told what kind of video they were shooting that day. This really was not what he expected. But in the end he finished the video - which would probably turn out pretty well with all the banter between Jean-Eric and Sam - and also trusted Sam with one of his biggest secrets.

  
  


Maybe Jean-Eric would regret this choice when Sam would use it against him in just a few races time, or maybe it would be the best decision he ever made, or just anything in between. In the end all that mattered to him that he was slowly on his way back up, and this day it felt like he made some pretty good progress.

Because they all deserved a happy ending.

**Author's Note:**

> And remember, kudos and comments are the only kind of payment I get for this, so please leave me some if you enjoyed reading this <3


End file.
